youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
