my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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