I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You were trust falling into bushes
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
