Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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