I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
