How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
