I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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