First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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