my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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