you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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