mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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