Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
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my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
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I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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