I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
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Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
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Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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