I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
