A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
