So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
