If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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