So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
