i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
