Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
