I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
