My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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