the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
