Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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