Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
