I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
