That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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