imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Randomize
