she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
