um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
