I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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