The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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