there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
