Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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