I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.