So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
