don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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