Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
