my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
