Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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