I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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