I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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