do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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