R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
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It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
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There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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