when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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