Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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