Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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