I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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