I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
