just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
