rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
