i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
