i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
