I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
