If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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